Disagreement
Or, “The Four Agreements vs. ‘parenting’”
Let me say today, that I haven’t broken my intention of writing every single day (mostly). BUT, there has clearly been a drop off. My work hasn’t been publicly professed because I’m feeling pulled in so many directions at this moment. What I have written during these past few days, unfortunately, has been difficult to pen, often disjointed, and generally too personal to put on the internet, so I have abstained in the immediate term. As tempting as it may be to discuss the external stresses of my household and to seek community for the rollercoaster created by unwillingly having a personality disordered individual in our lives, I’ll stick with publicly processing my own issues for the time being.
What I can easily say, is that having a 5 year old shaking his booty around the house is a pretty big change. For about two weeks now, our home has been filled with the native sounds of a joyful, inquisitive, and highly-attentive little dude with a penchant for all things vehicle- and space-related. In short, that means Daddy and Jess are getting even more exercise than usual, running circles around the backyard as airplanes, and through the house as moms and babies hiding from monsters. In long, it means a lot more. As a non-parent, every day is a new adventure for me and an obvious new opportunity to make a positive impact for him. And it takes time and energy. And assumedly money.
Unfortunately, we’re lacking in one of these realms.
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As I’ve set out to describe a number of times already, our household finances are easily described as “limited” thanks to our mutual drive for finding careers we’re passionate about. I mean, my significant other is one dissertation away from his doctorate for percussion performance, and holds several part time teaching positions all over the city to make ends meet. Meanwhile, I quit being a scientist and have been writing under independent contract from home while making art for the past 10 months. So. I think our fiscal standing is pretty clear.
Yes, on any given day this already means plenty of elevated stress, as my lifetime spent below the poverty line has certainly left me with a unique coupling of monetary hypervigilance and financial trauma triggers (check out the link between childhood poverty and financial PTSD for more information). With a kiddo around, you can imagine that things are amplified tenfold, as we try to pull money from anywhere and everywhere possible to give him the very best summer possible. With this being his very first 60 day summer visitation, we’re under even more personal and peripheral scrutiny to make it a positive and progressive experience; with my boyfriend being a part-time instructor, we aren’t pulling in the cash right now.
I would expect myself to have the usual insomnia fueled nights and continual stomach knots in this situation, but through the barrage of harassment that we’ve become accustomed to, I’ve realized far more important things about (part-time) parenting than the need for throwing money around.
The thing is, no matter where we can find $20 here or there, we’ll never be able to compete with the material and professional resources that are available to him back home. We have no way of keeping up with the Smiths, but this isn’t because we’re unmotivated to provide for our little buddy or incapable of finding profitable work. Rather, it’s due to distinct differences in overarching lifestyle and parenting philosophies.
I steadfastly recognize that no matter what eventually changes in our financial means, I don’t ever want my way of thinking to make that critical transition. When I step back and take a breath, it’s clear that the financial strain of having another mouth to feed around here is very real, but the drive to provide him with endless entertainment is largely imagined. Outside sources with a love for making berating accusations can easily skew one’s thinking, at least in the short term. But the fact of the matter is, despite continual pressure to use money as a parenting alternative, we don’t subscribe to that methodology.
Rather than allowing someone else’s assumptions dictate the way I feel about me, my partner, or our life, I have been taking a page out of the Four Agreements and released my judgement.
For those who are not familiar, the Four Agreements works to break down blind acceptance of the societal and social pressures that most people allow to dictate their entire lives. By removing the assumption that you must pursue the ventures which are forced upon us from birth onwards, it allows individuals to seek out what they personally believe in and what makes the individual truly happy. From here, your entire life becomes reframed by reason and acceptance. You suddenly feel free to make decisions for yourself, and no one else. In this situation, I’ve found that it’s shockingly simple to take control of my anxieties and emotions when I remind myself that the things which we feel are most important about parenting don’t require the finances that others commonly rely on. Their assumptions do not affect our reality or path to fulfillment.
Thinking in this way, the things we value most from our upbringings -or the things we wish we had- have nothing to do with pricey activities, shopping trips, junk food, or designer clothing. The things that are clearly lacking in my step son’s life have no relation to these financial means, either. Rather, what we always needed, and feel that every child needs, is to feel loved through means of one-on-one attention and interaction, listening, explanation, understanding, and encouragement of curiosity and imagination. While we can’t devote hundreds of dollars each month for strangers to actually give the little guy attention, to pay for lessons we could easily teach ourselves, or to dress him up in expensive outfits that he’ll grow out of in 3 months, we can do a lot more.
We provide what we can – love, attention, creativity, knowledge, nutrition, hands-on playing and activities. We play together every single day without involving a plasma screen. We make every day a growing experience, and take the time to explain important lessons to further his understanding of difficult topics. We have open dialogs about his two homes and two families in two states. We talk about nutrition, exercise, and health. We practice mindfulness, and use breathing exercises to overcome emotional dysregulation. We impart the value of figuring things out for yourself, and reacting calmly to overcome problems in life. We talk about trying our best and trying again, before ever giving up. We discuss love and commitment, and make sure he knows we’re always with him, even if he’s far away.
And yes, it’s time consuming.
We try our best to be involved and invested, and do what we can to tackle difficult areas of parenting that are easier to neglect. While we could easily make this an effortless free-for-all sort of summer full of screens and snacks to ensure this little man remembers his time with us as favorably as possible, this methodology is cheap and shallow in our eyes. Throwing money at the kiddo for professionally monitored activities, endless toys, junky snacks, and fancy cloths would be temporarily difficult on our finances, but it would also be taking the easy way out. We don’t have much time with our guy, and we want him to remember the time shared together more than anything. More than he needs a life of privilege, he needs companionship, love, and adult guidance; thankfully these are bottomless resources that Dad and I have to offer.
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Though it’s a whole new lifestyle to have a tiny person suddenly running around in underpants and yelling at Alexa, we’re managing every day together as a cooperative and connected unit, despite the strain. Some usual activities may fall by the wayside, including pieces of Timestamp, but the drive to spend every possible moment of our summer together greatly outweighs everything else. Finding ways to play and grow together will always be more valuable for us than the heartless Target products money can buy.
We’re no parenting professionals and there’s no doubt that times are difficult, but we’re figuring it out, and we’re all doing it together.
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