Hiatus
Or, “what do you get when you mix a new therapist, a difficult ex, a house hunt and unsettled summer plans?”
Chaos. That’s what the past few months have been, and that’s what continues to accumulate around here. Not only has my writing clearly suffered, but so has my mental health and my ability to prioritize Timestamp for a few weeks now. The thing is, shit is bananas in our household. Between my boyfriend’s insane schedule working at 4 schools, along with my daily overworking and adventures in managing anxiety, things are already bad enough. Throw in managing shared custody of a 4 year old and all of the delights that come with a ‘challenging’ ex-wife, and things are bound to get wild. Jesus Christ, have things been wild.
Long story short, having already been teetering on the edge of being completely overwhelmed, I have been adequately pushed into the territory of discouragement for a few weeks here. During that time I have had a focus on seeking some sort of secure financial situation, being present to support my boyfriend throughout his legal battles, daily searches for a new home, and making the time to spend with my ‘step-son’ in Florida while also preparing for his summer-long stay with us in Atlanta. I’ve also recently began therapy with a new specialist after 28 years of mental health self-management. The timing really couldn’t be better.
I’ve hated to be away from my creative projects in this way, but a partial time-out was necessary to maintain a handle on my writing job while keeping my head on straight. I have been feeling for some time that things were coming to a head with the amount of financial and social stress that comes with having an infantile start-up business and a hypervigilant personality, and it felt necessary to reconsider my plan to only work contracted positions from home. I’m now diligently seeking a more traditional employment in order to rebuild our household emergency funds, to renovate a new home, and to pay off some of the debt I accrued during the initial move to Atlanta. I am sincerely hoping that this position will be able to mesh nicely with my Timestamp activities, so that I can continue to build my brand… minus a few of the external stressors that have been effectively messing with my head, so I can fully enjoy my work again. There was nothing worse that feeling as though my greatest passion was becoming a stressful and forced activity. I don’t want to lose my interest in making unique art, to feel as though it is forced, or to continue running myself into the ground mentally.
This brings me to my next point; my new push to better understand and regulate my mental health has become a huge point of focus. This includes seeing a therapist, who has already been entirely invaluable in opening my eyes to the importance of paying attention to my struggles and reacting kindly to myself. I have never done a good job examining what I need in order to be happy and healthy, and I’m making a concerted effort to take better care of myself. As such, it’s clear that I could use an occasional break from some of the household and work stressors, I have to make time to address my past and present, and I need to find a way to prioritize writing as a way to work through difficult feelings. I could keep my thoughts to myself, but instead I would like to use this blog as a chance to open up and find community, rather than shutting down and seeking isolation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’ll be honest – I have mixed feelings about putting so much personal information on my professional site. But at the end of the day, I am this brand. My long history of past trauma and mental distress contributes to who I am and the art that I cr
eate. My difficult childhood and early adolescence greatly influenced my interest in punk rock. Our poor financial status created my sense of responsibility and tendency to work myself to death. The necessity to pull myself out of poverty lead to my foray into cellular biology. My life comes through in my designs, and my aesthetic would be entirely different if my brain was lacking its particular quirks. I realize now that for once in my life I need to relinquish some of the shame I feel in discussing my mental illness, and this is the most personal platform I have.
Mental health haters, be gone. Psychology fans and those who can identify with the struggle, come on in. The water’s… deep.
Comments